On the Death of Intelligence and Womanism: Beer Pong Parasites
Tung N. Cheke

_____Thank God for alcohol poisoning. If it weren’t for that miraculous weapon, our world would be completely infested with the human garbage that is turned out year after year by fraternities and sororities across the nation. Firstly, to set things straight, I’ll say that not all Greek organizations are condemnable. There are a very select few that are respectable and exist for practical, honorable reasons. The overwhelming majority of such institutions, however, serve only as an outlet for the utter lack of responsibility, intelligence, and societal betterment.
_____Fraternities and sororities are a traditional staple of college campuses. They’re expected, just as one would expect to find open sores on an AIDS victim, or limbs missing from a leper. In my experience as a college student, I’ve found no force to be as distracting and detrimental to my education than a member of one of these shameful, pathetic institutions. I can’t help but to laugh while I scoff, but their destructive nature is unavoidable and undeniable. Karl Marx, the worthless enemy of Capitalism, said only one useful thing in his life: “Religion is the opiate of the masses.” I completely agree, but I would have to adapt it slightly: “Religion and Stupidity are the opiates of the masses.” And to fraternity and sorority members, stupidity is religion. These organizations are simply masked hate groups, comparable to the Ku Klux Klan or white supremacists. They have no place in a developed, forward-facing society. When I graduated from high school, I thought I had left behind my days of hearing the word “nigger” or “faggot,” but I continue to hear both shouted across the quad, or see them written on bathroom walls, all by the mouths or hands of these useless, ambitionless beer-pong champions. And sorority members, in particular, work to stall any advances in women’s rights every time they give up their bodies and self-respect to a nameless, faceless animal in a drunken stupor. Also, I weep for Feminism every time I see an asscrack in class. Please, leave the pajamas at home and dress like you have some shred of personal responsibility.
_____What’s unfortunate, too, is how these criminals of civilization rub off on the University and its administration. ESU is supposed to be a “dry campus.” What a joke! I was told as a prospective student that no alcohol was allowed on campus. Liars. Every time I hear a waste of humanity bragging about drinking, I feel like the University has robbed me completely. I’ve been conned. Isn’t it ironic that the campus police officers ticket dozens of students daily, yet the fraternity and sorority plebes on this campus get away with the murder of intelligence and decency every day? It’s shameful. Next year I’ll be transferring to a college in New York City, so I’ll finally be allowed a fresh breath of civilization and culture, but I weep for those students who are trapped and suffocated under the filthy hands of these apes. Luckily for me, none of them can read above a fifth grade level, so my amount of hate mail should be minimal. And for those of you who have been insulted by what I’ve said, don’t be hypocritical. It’s how you made people feel every day in high school.

(Editor’s Note: The people I spoke to personally who were angered by the above piece also said they did not read the two articles printed below it, both of which held a positive view of Greek organizations and were written by fraternity members, one of whom was then president and editor-in-chief of Calliope.)